I stopped writing for a while, in fact: I stopped doing just about everything. Depression has a way of doing that. Making even the little tasks that much harder, and the big ones impossible. I took some much needed time off to go home to the bluegrass. A safe place. A place where things fall back into place. And they did, but not until I went to counseling. I sat in the small, dimly lit office with a glowing mineral in the corner – the kind that you buy in those new age, hippie stores. And I waited, with palms sweating, for the conversation that I never wanted to have. I never wanted to be the person who needed to be counseled. I never wanted to admit that sometimes I need help. But there I was sitting in that brown little office, willing to try anything to start feeling like me again. A white haired man with a friendly face came in, he said hello and I burst into tears, shaking in my worn, upholstered seat. Talk about talk therapy… he said one word to me and it was like the freaking Hoover Dam broke open. I mumbled out between whimpers, “This is just very stressful, being here.” You see there is a stigma around admitting you need help. And I didn’t want any part of that. I wanted to carry all the weight that I had on my back BY MYSELF… Because I am the HULK – surprise…
After I composed myself after my little breakdown. We talked for our hour and the walls started coming down. There is one thing that he said that stood out to me, and I will remember it for the rest of my life. He said, “bad things happen to everyone, EVERYONE. You just can’t stop living your life, you have to just keep living, keep waking up every day.” He then said, “Sometimes you just have to recognize that you are sad, and you have to be okay with it. Everyone goes through these emotions. They are “normal feelings”” That was the part that hit me the hardest. It was so simple it blew my mind. As humans we don’t like to be in periods of discomfort. We always want to be happy, we want to be in a comfortable state of mind, we want the “Instagram” perfect life that looks pristine on and off the internet, but that kind of life doesn’t always exist. Actually let me rephrase that. It DOESN’T exist. This is an imperfect world – and there will always be situations that throw you into fear, sadness, rejection, isolation… and all of the other emotions that we wish we could just do away with. But… (yay! Sometimes Buts are a good thing – who knew!?) there is a catch, you CAN live a perfectly content life and still have times where you are sad, hurt and angry. You just can’t LIVE in that place. You can’t stay sad. You can’t stay angry.
So, as for my story… I left that office and I flew back to my favorite little house in Charlotte, and I allowed myself to feel the things that I was feeling. I let myself feel sad. I let myself feel the pain that comes from rejection, the insecurities, but I also immersed myself in doing the things that I love. I went out with friends almost every night for several weeks. I took up yoga. I baked loads and loads of banana bread and lit all the candles in my house. I took long, hot baths and drank green tea like it was my job. I went to church. And slowly, the cloud of emotions hanging over my head lifted.
So the simple truth is this: it’s not always so simple getting out of those rough patches that life throws at you. Sometimes, we all need a little push in the right direction. Sometimes, all we need is to realize that its OKAY to embrace imperfection, even in a world that glorifies perfection everyday on social media. And all of the time we need to keep moving – to keep living our lives and allow for all of the good things to come in, and give us the push we need to get past the hard things. Because they will come, the good and the bad. You can bet your bottom dollar on that, but you have to always remember that some of the best times come after the hardest, and the hardest times just mold you into a little bada$$. And who doesn’t want that? Whatever you are going through… Just Keep Swimming. You will make it out on the other side. I promise. And you will be a force to be reckoned with… So go run the world.
~ Megan Marie