“You are Worth More than Second Thoughts and Maybes”. At what point in a girl’s life does she stop believing that? I don’t know the answer to that question, because somewhere along the way I stopped believing it myself.
I never grew up in a bad family home. In fact it was just the opposite. I honestly don’t know two people who are more loving and in a true partnership than my parents. They are the epitome of what I want in a relationship. They take care of each other, they support each other, they share the same values and beliefs, and even after thirty six years they still aren’t sick of each other – which is a feat in itself. They don’t have a perfect marriage: my Dad still manages to aggravate my Mom on a weekly basis with his engineering schemed projects that he likes to do around the house, and my Mom is like me, and will stress my Dad out when her perfectionist gene decides to rear it’s ugly head. They don’t have a perfect marriage. But, they do have a perfect partnership. They agreed 36 years ago to love and to cherish, to forgive and to forget, in sickness and in health, and they do – every day
I was talking to someone today about always being the third wheel, and I have to admit it is something I have gotten really comfortable with. I haven’t been in a real relationship for many years, and it gets to be really tiring. As strange as this sounds, the moment that I am usually the most aware of being single is after I go grocery shopping. Me in a store full of food items is usually a recipe for disaster. If you know me you know I never make lists (I am the polar opposite of my sister who makes lists about the lists she needs to make). When I do make them I lose them within five minutes of writing them. So you can imagine that when I go to the store I am typically wandering around aimlessly throwing this and that into my cart like a five year old, with no Mommy around to tell me no. So after my monthly grocery haul I drive five minutes to my house with my 20 bags of random goodness, and I try to tote all of it inside at once. I can never get it all, and in that moment I usually think to myself, “you know it would be really nice if I had someone to help me carry all this inside.”
I am an independent person. I don’t need someone to help me carry my groceries, and neither do any of you. I think instinctively we all crave a partner. That is natural. BUT – there is always a but isn’t there… how annoying. You have to be careful not to let your desire to find someone lead you straight into a relationship that is UNHEALTHY and DESTRUCTIVE to your self-esteem and self-value.
I was dating a man not too long ago who I met on the airplane. And of course like most guys he seemed very nice at first. Calling to see how my day was, and being very attentive. And it was fine as long as I let HIM contact me, but every time I would try to call him he would act extremely annoyed and get off the phone almost immediately. So we were allowed to talk. But only on his timeline. Only on his terms. I let that go on for far too long. He would call when HE wanted to and we would talk for hours. Then I wouldn’t hear from him for awhile so I would call him and I would get a cold hello and basically a “do you need something?” And each time that happened it would chip away at my self-worth a little bit more.
You may be thinking, why the H.E. double hockey sticks would she put up with that crap, and I understand because I would ask myself the same thing. Then I would see my neighbor and her husband carrying groceries in, or a Facebook post of a friend’s new baby sonogram, and I would hear the ring of my phone and I would hit the green answer button. It’s EASY to accept less when you are lonely. I have since cut off all contact with that man, but I still have to tell myself sometimes – you deserve better than being someone’s second thought or maybe. You deserve better than being someone’s once in awhile. YOU deserve better.
It’s hard to wait for love and partnership when you feel like people are finding it all around you. It’s hard to remember your true value when you feel like nobody else sees it.
I can tell you right now that I honestly don’t know if I will be lucky enough to find what my parents have. I don’t know if I will ever find someone to carry my groceries in. BUT (there it is again…), I can tell you that from this point forward no one will carry my groceries that doesn’t truly see me for what I am worth. So if somewhere along the way you have stumbled into a relationship or a a friendship that is slowly chipping away at your self worth… I just want you to know that you are worth more, and even though it is hard to be alone. It is better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel like you deserve to be alone. Because at the end of the day you don’t NEED someone to help you carry your groceries, but you DESERVE someone who will walk along side you and help you carry them. It is hard to find, and it is so hard waiting, but I really do believe that one day it will hopefully be worth it.