“She loves the smell of coffees, bloomed roses, and new beginnings” ~Sonia Azalia.
I am awake right now while the rest of the world is sleeping, my world anyway. Sipping my cup of tea and coming to the realization that when I am broken I can’t sleep. I don’t know if I am waiting for something, or just afraid to drift off into the perfect realm of dreamland because I know when I wake up I will still feel the same sadness in my heart as I do now. Broken hearts unfortunately can’t be glued back together, because so often you don’t get the pieces back. That’s the funny thing about hearts, it seems so easy to break off a piece and give it to someone, so easy to fall. Just not so easy to get back up. Not so easy to feel the absence in your chest when you come to the shocking realization that you have only part of a heart. Still beating nonetheless. Hanging on to the simple fact that life will go on anyways.
There are times when I have wondered if I am too broken to ever be whole again. I have wondered if the tiny pieces of my scattered heart could ever be gathered up enough to create something resembling a whole. When I was little I knew no such thing of the pain that can come from love. Love was solid. Love was dependable and constant. Love was the arms that tucked me into bed at night and promised to never leave. Love never did. Until I grew up, and I realized that sometimes love can be as elusive as trying to hold wet sand in your hands – slipping – falling through your fingers till you have nothing left but a wet empty palm.
It’s hard to believe but heartbreak is universal. Every person in the world has felt it in some way or another. The loss of a parent, the loss of an opportunity, the loss of a loved one, the loss of a dream… it is often felt in waves through the hearts of people all over the world, yet nobody can see through the walls of their own hurt to realize they are not alone. The world will teach you that brokenness is a fault. Something to be hidden behind closed doors. But to have a broken heart is just another way to know you are really living. To be broken is simply to be human. There are a million and one things that you can regret in a life worth living, but a broken heart is not one of them. A broken heart is just palpable, beating evidence that you have truly loved. And a life without love? Is that even really living?
So it’s okay to be broken. Embrace it, because it is a part of this thing we are doing called life. And believe it or not, some day soon you will wake up, the sun will be shining into your bedroom window and you won’t feel the absence of whatever it is that you are missing. And that will be the day when you know your heart is starting to heal. I know this because I have been in this place before, and I know that even shattered hearts can grow to be whole again, all it takes is a little time.